I read a blog recently that strongly resonated with my experiences as a doula. The blog discussed the words that women in business should avoid using to best increase their own confidence and the perception of their competency by others. As with many things, my mind turned to birth and expecting families, especially as one of the words the blog mentions happens to be a word I hear at almost every labor I attend. That word is “sorry”.
I am generally a huge believer in using polite words and I am also from the South, where we believe polite words to be an art form. However, a laboring person does not need to be sorry for anything that is part of the normal biological process of birth. She certainly should not be sorry for asking a question so that she can better understand her care and options. Nor does she need to apologize to anyone (a care provider, partner, relative, friend or doula) for her choices during birth.
- I am sorry, I know you just got me in this position, but I need to go to the bathroom.
- I am sorry, can I ask a question before you start that medication?
- I am sorry, I just can’t move that way.
- I am sorry, I think I really want an epidural.
- I am sorry I am so loud (or burped or vomited etc.)
Most of us want to be likable and we don’t enjoy inconveniencing others. I observe laboring women using the word sorry because they do want to get along with their nurse, their doctor or the midwife…and that is not a bad thing. In fact, from the moment I walk into a birth, I start facilitating a team atmosphere for my clients with every person that comes into our room. However, when a laboring woman apologizes for things that are part of birth or a basic need that she has, it can take away from her strength which can then reduce the self-confidence she needs for an empowering birth.
Having a baby is not about making friends or being polite. However, as I am hearing the word sorry at 99% of the births I attend, I would like to suggest some ways a woman can effectively communicate without using that word. Sometimes this communication is as easy as making the same statement only dropping the “sorry”, other times it is a simple reframe of words that do not include the word sorry. Here are the same sentiments as the quotes above written without the word sorry.
I would also suggest not worrying about how loud one is in labor or about things like vomit – the people cleaning are either doing it as part of their job or they love you! Either way, they are fine.
- I just got settled into this position, however I now am going to move to the bathroom.
- I would like to ask a question before we start that medication.
- I would prefer to stay here. Is it necessary that I move?
- I want an epidural.
Do you see the difference in those statements? Women in labor are competent and I hope that every client I work with is confident in her ability to birth and to make the best choices for her labor. Don’t be sorry, be strong! But don’t worry if you do say sorry- no need to apologize about it either!
(If you are interested in further reading or finding out the other words not to use in business, here is the blog I read. It is good stuff!)
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Maria Pokluda has been a doula serving expecting families in Dallas and Ft. Worth since 2007 and has helped hundreds of families have happy birth days. In 2011, Maria co-created BEST Doula Training and now trains doulas around the country. You can find information about Maria’s services or read her blog at greatexpectationsbirth.com