September is a special month for me. It’s my birthday month, but it is also NICU Awareness month- an awareness month I never imagined I would be aware of, but here I am…AWARE.
The Emotions
When I was asked to write something about our NICU experience, my first response was “I will. BUT I will have 20 drafts of emotional mess before I can write anything that is publishable.” This reactions is ironic given that I share so much of our lives, ,maybe too much, on social media. However there was that one week where I didn’t share. After my second baby, Sadie, was born I didn’t want to tell people that she had gone straight to NICU. I had not held her, I didn’t know when I would be able to hold her, and I didn’t want to explain why she was there. The thought of giving hourly updates to 500 people was overwhelming.
I also didn’t want to discuss my birthing decisions and if different choices would have changed things. What if I had a Cesarean? What if I had been induced a week earlier? Most of all I didn’t want to deal with people asking questions about diabetics having babies and the whole Steel Magnolias thing. Diabetics can have babies, healthy ones, and it won’t kill us, so we made the decision not to share that she had been born beyond immediate family.
In the NICU
After her birth, Sadie was taken to NICU and admitted for a broken clavicle, low blood sugar, respiratory distress, low oxygenation, and high white blood cell count. Y’all, I never saw it coming. This was not on my radar. I had a very healthy pregnancy. I did so well that my high risk doctor laughingly told me not to come back because I was wasting his time.
NICU was so lonely, and yet I was surrounded. We had family coming to visit and my husband thankfully took time off of work while Sadie was in the hospital. He made sure that life kept going- laundry, groceries, meals and all the practical aspects of life. There were nurses and nurse practitioners and pediatricians and lactation counselors constantly in and out of NICU rooms. And yet it was lonely.
I wanted to throw a giant pity party. I wanted to be really angry and lash out. I wanted to go back in time and redo the final two months of pregnancy. Most of all I wanted to crawl under a rock and bawl my eyes out then sleep for two weeks (little did I know how much I would NOT sleep for the next 9 months). I couldn’t do any of it, because I now had two children that both needed me equally, in two different places.
The Memories
Almost four years later, here are some things I still remember. Some of them make me cry happy tears, others very sad tears.
I will never forget the nurse who stayed with us and helped me clean up and helped me get my head together. Best of all, she pushed my wheelchair straight to NICU to see Sadie. She made me feel less alone and like someone was really listening. (Plus she is extra cool because her name was Leslie.)
I will never forget my doula coming and going to get lunch with me while I was with Sadie one long day at the hospital.
I won’t forget people telling me how much worse their situation was – like it was a competition.
I will never forget a doctor telling me that my actions and lack of control of my diabetes caused Sadie’s problems. (Thanks for the guilt, like I didn’t already feel guilty or anything. And seriously, Type I Diabetes is not something I chose to have.)
I will never forget the family that had to say a final good bye while we were in the NICU. That baby was 4 beds down from Sadie, I remember the grandparents falling apart, and I remember the parents just sitting there looking stunned.
I remember the 6 month old little boy in NICU with us. He was so sweet and happy. He had been in the NICU since he was 2 weeks old due to severe food intolerance. After every meal, he would violently vomit. His mother came to see him once a month because he was her fifth child and she was a single mom who needed to work.
I remember the nurses being amazing. I learned several tips and tricks from them that I now get to pass on to my clients today. They were patient and kind. They explained everything to us. I’m so grateful for the nurses.
Looking at this child of mine, I have to say she is worth it. She is worth the difficulty of labor, the pushing and the ring of fire that never ended. She is worth the worry, the struggle, the intense emotional black hole I went down and eventually came out of many months later. She is feisty, brave, sassy, stubborn as all heck and she loves fully. You would never guess how her journey began – but every time I walk the halls at Baylor Dallas, I remember.
Leslie Geick is one our Great Expectations Doulas. We appreciate her sharing this deeply personal story. If you want to contact her, she would love to hear from you. You may share your own NICU story in the comments or you can reach Leslie via our contact page.